An Adult At 22
For some becoming an adult isn't really an option. Instead, it's kind of like "Oh, I have all of these responsibilities and if I don't follow through on them, I'm SOL." As for me, well, I never really found myself in that predicament until nowish.
I know fully that I am one hundred and one percent lucky to be almost twenty-three and just now having to truly start doing adult things. My parents, they probably don't know this, but I really am the most grateful that they allowed me to go at my own pace in life. Not once was I pushed into doing something I wasn't ready for.
Gosh, I didn't even get my license until just a month or so ago. I had a learner's permit from the ages of 16 to 22. All that time, if I wasn't ready, they weren't ready with me. And when I found myself hating the idea of a real job, they let me experiment with being a full-time Etsy shop owner, or a flea marketer on the weekends, or sometimes nothing at all. Even now, all the things that have changed in the last year, they don't press. Like I said, I'm the most grateful. I think that's why I've decided I'll begin to press myself into becoming the little girl turned adult they can be proud of. It can't be that hard.
Driving alone is the worst-
Oh, I absolutely hate it. This is part of becoming an adult though in my very childish opinion, but gosh it's terrifying. I can't be the only one who puts the windows down just because it feels slightly safer that way in case an accident occurs. There is no way it's just me. Like at least if I go over the bridge and cascade into a large body of water then I can escape and swim to shore, right? In my anxiety-ridden mind, this is an extremely plausible situation I don't dare plan on risking.
And will someone explain to me why people are always in such a rush? Like, Hey you Freddie Prince J
r. wanna be, no one is going to steal the last triple V neck away from you at the baby Gap, kay? Can the horn would ya? I'm sure I've made my fair share of mistakes so far just like I'm sure every new driver has, but these people I'm out here on the road with can be real jerks. On the other hand, I'm not purposely cutting you off, I'm just still learning that there is something called a blind spot and I should proceed with caution rather than speed.
Don't get me wrong being able to do what I want when I want is nice, but I think the princess in me would like to stick to being shotgun I don't know, maybe like...forever. I think everyone in my family can vouge that they'd prefer it this way too. They are pros in my eyes when they drive, but if I drive it's for lack of a better term a shit show. I mean my own mother becomes borderline lovers with the door handle she holds on so tight to it when I turn the corners. As for my boyfriend, I'm convinced he makes it his sole mission to act as if I should know every street like the back of my hand of places I've never even been before. I still feel more at ease when they're beside me though, even if they do complain or try to give too many pointers that just end up confusing me even more so. At least when they're there we can all enjoy the coziness of the AC that is no way in hell being used if only I'm present in the shabby pumpkin. Yes, I named my car The Shabby Pumpkin, and yes if I drive alone, I am usually drenched in sweat thanks to the Florida heat.
Not being able to quit my job this time around-
So apparently adults have these things called living expenses?
Not only would I like the thank, my parents, but I would also like to sincerely from the bottom of my heart apologize. Living is so pricey and they have paid for me to live for twenty-two years for free simply because they love me? Like how crazy is that! All of the things and ways I've acted because of my greedy "I want this! I want that!" heart has made it to the cringe category of my life. Having to pay for things I want all on my own even if it's just an iced coffee really makes me realize how good I've been taken care of, and still am.
But, I really want to start doing it all by myself, unlike driving so I've gotten a job. It's only a fifteen-minute drive from my boyfriend where I pretty much always reside because I love to think that we are in fact inseparable. It doesn't pay well at all, but hopefully, the cash tips will be helpful at the end of the day. The people I'll be working with are nice enough. I've never been one to fit in with big groups of people and trying to throw myself into conversations has never panned out well for me, but I'm not attending for friendships anyway. I'm only going so I can pay for my car and phone insurance for once in my life and maybe be able to do something one day that I wanna do. I have ideas of what I want in life and where I'd like to end up, but it changes every day, and everyday changes. It's funny how you can think you want this one thing so bad today, but tomorrow you'll hate that it was even a thought in your head.
For right now, I want to feel like I didn't just give up. I have a track record of quitting if I'm tired or overwhelmed. I think it's becoming evident though that I can't have a princess complex any longer. Really, I'm not even doing the most I can, and still, I'm absolutely zoinked out of my mind exhausted. I should be taking notes on Tiana from The Princess In The Frog. She worked her behind off every day, serving cute little beignets just so she could save enough to have the restaurant of her dreams. That's drive. Sure, she ended up kissing a frog too which is a little out of my comfort zone, but still, she didn't give up. None of the princesses ever did. And yes, I am at the moment assuring myself it's okay that I aspire to be a princess one day.
But for now, this princess has to work, and she wants to quit oh so bad, but she knows she can't so she's gonna keep serving beignets.
It's not the end of the world
I am still learning on this topic, I'll be honest. But let me explain.
Past Sarah's world would be in shambles if she lived like present Sarah. She'd actually loathe her entirely, but present Sarah doesn't really care. I honestly don't care too much about anything that I used to which is a strange, borderline exhilarating feeling to have considering I used to be upset at the thought of not being able to clean my room every day. I think at a certain point in the last year or so I've realized that almost everything you think is in your control, is not, so why worry so much?
Now I'm not saying I've let myself go, but I have let go of the things that once made me so stressed the entirety of my body would be tensed up all day. All of those little things were just that; little. The double thought processing of wanting everyone I ever met to like me. The constant feeling of needing to clean or else. The aching feeling of eating an adorable cupcake but feeling abnormally guilty afterward. Hoping that someone would actually choose to spend time with me, and not have to beg for it. I could go on and on. The very true reality of what I'm saying is though, that nothing is in our control.
Today has already been arranged. Tomorrow, yeah that day, too. The next, hell, we might all be dead. And people you meet are not always going to like you even if you like them. They aren't going to care if you want to give your time to them because it's not what they want, it's what you want and it's sad but most people unless they love you to pieces, they could care less about what you're doing. They aren't even paying you any attention.
So as of recently, I've decided to calm down. This isn't easy all of the time I'll be honest. I am still overwhelmed at least thirty percent of my day, but for that seventy percent, I try to make the most of it. Take it truth by truth. Sometimes, I even say to myself in my head, "Okay. You are healthy. You have a family who loves you and an extremely cute boyfriend who loves you, too. And don't forget you're really pretty." The last part sounds conceited, but that's because it is. Hehe. But hey, I think if telling yourself nice things can hold you back from having a mental breakdown, then let them eat cake.
The point I'm trying to make is that anything that has already happened has passed. It's gone and you can't change the way it happened. Your world isn't ending. It may even just be getting started. That is the romantic thing about living, every day can be the start of something new if you want it to be. It can also be mundane and boring. Either way, live your life the way you want because it's only yours.
I'm going to sum this blog post up now because at this point I'm mumble typing. So I'll just write a few more sentences about how sad of a reality it is that I'm not a princess and I as a singular person have to drive all by my lonesome more often than I'd like and go to work, giving out menus all while wearing uncomfy, stiff clothes. Vienna by Billy Joel is my go-to gym anthem, which is borderline depressing especially when I'm on the elliptical balling like a baby over the lyrics while playing the scene from 13 Going On 30 where Jenna is sitting in a closet as wishing dust sparkles around her as she cries. And as I repeat most of these things from day to day, I will pray that I start becoming someone I can fall head over heels in love with.
Anywho until the next post! Love, Sarah :)
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